Relationship

To the Hive,
My partner and I both have chronic illnesses and mental health issues. A couple of years ago, I started to put in some work to improve my mental health and more recently I’ve made some major changes for my physical health, too. The entire time, it feels like I’m growing and learning and becoming more myself, but my partner just seems to be stuck, or like she’s being dragged along kicking and screaming. I am noticing my patterns and breaking old cycles, while she stays persistent in her resistance to growth. We love each other very much. We’ve been together for a long time and during those brief moments when our egos step out of the way, we are truly great together. But very often I feel like I’m alone in this journey. It’s hard to talk to her about anything I’m doing or dealing with. On one hand, I feel like I am presented with opportunities to practice the skills and techniques I’m learning, but also …. I don’t think I can keep going like this. I want peace. I deserve to be fully me without the old drive to police myself to keep her placated.
I don’t want to leave. I can’t make her change. I’m kinda at a loss. And I am profoundly hurt. Help?

​Dear Concerned Partner,

Thank you for asking the hive!
As you point out, you can’t make anyone change. You can share tools and helpful strategies, but an individual’s “readiness for change” is one part that is out of your control. What you describe also sounds like secondary grief. Your change of thinking patterns, along with your insight and growth awareness, impact your relationship. It is natural for individuals to change as they grow individually and within relationships. This growth is often thought of as positive, but in some moments it feels a loss. It is hurtful to watch someone not share the same insight as you. Perhaps reflecting back how others might have felt when you were beginning your journey to putting in work toward your mental health? How might you communicate your needs or concerns to your partner? Might you write a letter, might you consider couples counseling? Might you find an activity you can participate in together to open communication? Perhaps something outside?

Again, thank you for sharing your heart and adding to an engaging dialogue about mental health. Please visit BeWellCaldwell.com for more psychoeducation.

Be Well,

The Hive